Dear Daddy...

Me and my dad have been through so much falling out recently...
I want to dedicate this post to him; he probably wont even read it. But oh well.

When I was younger, i loved my dad to bits. He was my protector. My hero. My favourite man.I adored him. I used to fool around him and get cheeky with him. I acted totally boyish and I think he liked the idea of having another son. Me! I tried soo hard to be 'The Favourite' out of his 3Kids (Me, my big sister Tia&Little Kareem).
I tried my hardest to impress him. To see the grin on his face once I had accomplished something. He was the main reason to my successes.I tried so hard. To do that, I started football training. I was fairly good to be honest. I used to sit and watch the football games on TV with my dad and play boyish games like Call Of Duty and Dragon-Ball Z. Well, I was brought up around boys; i.e. My two big inspiring brothers Kadeem and Dammir (Not biological brothers but boys I have known since birth), My little brother Kareem, My male cousins that were forever at my house *sigh* and to be honest, i never saw my big sister as often.

I grew up a little bit after that. I became a big headed but loving it. I started up my own business. I know! Impressive! At the age of like 8, and a businesswoman already.#BOSS
Most of my dad's friends were classed as uncles in my eyes. I practically grew up around these men and loved them to bits. I loved my recently passed Uncle Lloyd and for me, it was hard grieving. He was my only real uncle from my dad's side. But, then again, all my uncles are real and I love them all equally. I grew up especially around my Uncle Lou, Richie, Terry, Wayne (Dad's cousin... I think) and Brenton (My godfather).
I was becoming a lot cheekier around my dad. I used to go through his phone a lot, it was a habit. I'm not sure why because I trusted him with my life but I just was really curious. I found out his phone password, I felt sooo special knowing this. I felt like his favourite child. He would always boast about me to all his friends and talk about how proud he was of me. I was kinda spoilt but he always said I deserved it for the hard work I did. Hehe. I loved every minute of it!

After that, I began feeling really insecure about everything. I had bad sleeping patterns and this was affecting my looks, A LOT! I started getting dark circles under my eyes. Every night, I would get up precisely at 2am for a drink or a toilet break. I would stay up to make sure we didn't creeps trying to sneak in. I was paranoid. I would wait, in my bed eyes open, for dad to come home and only when he got home would I fall asleep feeling safe. But obviously the dark circles under my eyes were causing problems with dad, he did not like them at all. But  felt too embarrassed to tell him about my sleeping patterns, partly because he wouldn't believe me. My appearance became a big problem. I went through a hard time with my teeth a while after that. Like every child I know, I went through a sweet phase where I would crave them and disgustingly avoid brushing my teeth hard due to sensitivity. Later on, Dad would ALWAYS check my teeth. He did this annoying thing where he would scratch his nail on my teeth to scrape of any plaque. He could always find some, which I found surprising because it tended to be at least 10mins after brushing them. I got shouted at a lot. *Sigh* This caused me to avoid dad at all costs.

I became a teenager...
Now, I don't really know how everything could have changed so much but I found myself almost hating my dad but deep down I always convinced myself that I still loved that same man that raised me from birth. At this point, I was getting shouted at for doing the slightest things, or to be honest, stupid things. Dad would scream at me and shout really hurtful things. I would hate him. Cry. Go to bed. Sulk. Cry myself to sleep. And probably give him silent treatment for a few days until I forgave him. Then at least a day later, same old procedure. I went through an 'Oh Well' stage! I would get over nearly everything. I was never in the mood anymore. I went from being a bouncy, smart, happy little girl to an 'I Don't Really Care' teenager. School was fine until like every other girl, I had problems with friends. I got reported for bullying by my own best friend.

From then on, I didn't want to be unique anymore or to stand out from the crowd. I became really self-conscious. I actually wanted to be like everybody else because they seemed more 'down-to-earth' than me and I wanted to be part of that social group. I don't know why, but I felt too embarrassed to be... me.
I became a lot closer to my big sister, because I wanted to be able to have a connection or a bond. I envied how people around her loved her and how she looked. She's too pretty for me to ever be like her. I tried to copy her to see if people would like me too. I started listening to similar music to her to try and be up to date with what was hot. Thinking back to it, I sound sad like a loser but this blog is like a diary and this is the only way I can tell you how I feel. This is the real me. Not the 'me' you might see or hear about. THIS IS ME!

I got a blackberry. I felt cool. That sounds so moist but I felt 'in the crowd'. And I loved being able to talk to anyone I know, so easily and finding out what they're really like outside of school etc. It was nice to connect with people I haven't spoken to for years. I wasn't allowed FaceBook so I adored my little black piece of technology that helped me socialize. I admit, I might have got a bit tooo carried away but really and truly, it was my way of being myself. I would shut everyone out and focus on this 'BlackBerry' self of mine which also made me self-conscious even more and that's when I found out who my real friends are...

Back to Dad. He got harder for me to stand, but when I felt better, I did feel guilty for being mean to him. He didn't deserve it. I admit, I turn to a really mean bitch when I'm angry or sad. I would cry myself to sleep every time I thought dad was being unfair. Other times, I would sit there, on automatic mode, blank. I'm still trying to change that, but it's hard. Reaalllyyy hard. At once stage, I hated my dad. He was my enemy. It kills me to admit that but it's true and this blog is all about me being honest and truthful. Whether it hurts or not.

2012. That started off negatively. It is now February and I've been through a lot. My dad hit rage over my mood swings, my changed personality and he basically didn't like me anymore. We had more arguments than hugs or smiles. He took my BlackBerry. Then at least a week or two later, another argument. I was fed up with life. It was 4am the next morning. I used a compass. I carved deep scratches on my face. I was mad. I wasn't thinking straight. Typing this, is making me cry but I have to face myself one day and actually open up about how I feel. I'm NOT suicidal. I was just mad. I'm NOT looking for sympathy either. I just want to tell you about the ME on the inside. Friday, A few friends came over, which took me by surprise. I was home alone so it was nice to have a bit of company. Two of my friends wanted me to take them to the local chicken and chip shop. I went with them. I DO NOT SMOKE! But I had a cigarette that I've had for a long time. I was tooo scared to do it. I told myself it was part of growing up but something told me, it was wrong. I was throwing away so much at this point. I told my friend i had one so I took it with me. I gave it to her. She's NOT a bad influence. She is one of the best friends I could ever have. I love her with all my heart so I'm not going to expose her business but she is one of my only friends able to smoke. Outside the chicken and chip shop, I put on a brave face, acted casual and put it in my mouth. It was dark so nobody could see. I acted like I was going to light it. My heart told me not to. I had a bad feeling about it. So I gave it to my friend to smoke. She lit it, started smoking then she offered me it. I casually said nah, she looked at me weird. I turned around and saw my dad walking towards us, really slow. She offered again. At this point I was frickin' panicking. I whispered to her "DAD! DAD! DAD! Hoping that he wouldn't think I was actually smoking. Too Late. He came and stood in front of us, and laughed to himself. I was on the verge of breaking down. I did not know what to do!? I was scared and panicking. I regret everything. It has ruined my relationship with my dad. I have been getting silent treatment and hating every moment of the guilt, and just everything.
I hope my dad reads this. if he doesn't... Oh Well.
But, Just to let him know, I would never do anything to hurt you. I've done a lot of bad things in my life, said bad things about you but deep down, I could never hate you!
I Love You Dad! Xx